A silence

It is chilly in this house we all sit upon while the television is in the off position.  We usually are sitting while the television blares its sound through out the large room we call the living room.  This room is suppose to be a lively room filled with commotion and  sound.  Hence the name “living” room.  Tonight is rather different in that we are not moving about nor the sound from the television reverberating throughout the room filling our ears full of mostly nonsense.  The nonsense we all know is the commercials….”SHAM WOW.”  Thank god I sit thinking I don’t have to fall subject to another infomercial.  I seem to believe and buy everything they market to us.   Some could call it being a sucker but I enjoy these things.  I don’t know what it is but right now I am thankful for these awkward silence.
We sit here as a family in this chilly house with what for once in our family history is a awkward silence.  I don’t know if you could imagine this or not.  Our four year old is being quiet.  I suppose that’s why I believe it is more awkward then anything.  You see, tonight the power is out and that is why the television is not letting out a annoying sound of spongebobs laugh.   Bahahahhaha…. Yeah I think people that don’t even watch the show know this laugh.  The room being so chilly and so dark but the most bothersome thing is this silence. Who will be the first to speak something to break up the wind that blows against the window and the tip toeing of the cats darting back and forth in the dark.  You couldn’t really see them but could hear the chatter of their claws against the hard wood floors.
As we sit in wait in the house of silence, with only clicks and creeks from the wind blowing on the house and the cats who now are upstairs darting back and fourth , we slide together to get warm and cuddle my boy.  He isn’t scared but he is just in one of these once in a blue moon moods when he is calm, loving and cuddly.  Heck yeah me and my wife are taking advantage of it.  He is consistently none stop and never wants to be held.  Maybe this dark silence could be great after all.  Maybe it was a moment meant for us to bond.  Someone or something made the power go out to draw our family together.  Doubt that, it is just late and we were at the park all day so my son is worn out.  It is the thought that counted I guess.  Just as we all settled in on the couch holding one another……the power comes!  I son jumps up and the television starts spitting out babahahhahaha…..

Things I see as I walk down the street.

I’m a very visual person so no matter what I’m doing or where I’m going I am constantly scanning my surroundings.  Every year we go to Bar Harbor at least once.  I personally myself love that little corner ice cream shop but it seems to be the last stop on our walk every time.  I cannot remember the shop name for some reason.  All I can think of is that place in Brewer fifty miles away from Bar Harbor names Jimmies.   We walk down the very crowded walk way which is very annoying due to all those old out of stator’s that have to stop and look at every shop window.  At that pace I don’t see how they even get anywhere.  You know they are never going to buy anything though.
Personally I want to stop in every shop on the way to my ice cream place which I usually try to make a V line to.  Just like all those old people I talked about though, I found myself stopping and looking into the many different shops windows.  I love to shop so Bar Harbor is the perfect little place to see many different trinkets you wont see any where else.  As I pass by a little coffee shop, it wreaks of the strong smell of a great coffee bean.  It was heaven to me that strong smell of fresh ground and brewing coffee.  It drew me into the barely walk able shop to get a wonderful cup of the perfume I could smell outside.
We walk on and go past many other shops which lure me in, of course.  Next thing I know, I am carrying arm loads of bags and my wallet feels flat.  All these shops were heavenly.  I now was the proud owner of fudge, a coffee, new sweatshirt, and a necklace made of help with shells knitted within the threads of the weave.  My wallet is the proud owner of nothing.  I arrive at my ice cream shop I have been waiting for, and finally at last my Maine blackberry ice cream in a home made waffle cone.  I had no hands at  this point to grab my cone but still managed to some how.  If there is a will, there is a way and I certainly found one without a doubt.  I had my ice cream at last.   As I at my ice cream I wondered how I was going to get back past all these great shops with out entering one.  My arms were already full and my wallet by this time was definitely in rough shape.

Vingette

As I lay there in the bed I realize I’m not quite comfortable.  I re-shim the pillow under my head to the point the lovely lady laying next to me awakes.  I feel bad but the pillow needs to be perfectly fluffed upon my head.  I hate to get up the next morning with that creaky achy pain that lies deep in your neck.  It seems to never go away and will last within you for days or even weeks.  It is hard to judge the perfect fluffed pillow but you know it’s time to stop when you wake your better half up.  Whether the pillow was perfect or not I knew I had to be done or should would tell me to stop moving.  I think to myself, “at least I made the pillow have that cold spot.”  Who doesn’t like flipping the pillow in order to achieve that short moment of coolness upon the back side of your head.
The cats, as always, are at the bottom of the bed curled up.  They won’t stay there long because night time is their time to raise hell.  Their names are Bonnie and Clyde which make perfect sense for these two.   As I look over to see if my wife is still awake I notice her book still lays upon her chest.  I chuckle inside knowing she must of fell asleep reading.  I wanted to make sure she didn’t know the cats were in here.  She hates the cats and would of booted them off the bed.  I am complete opposite, I think its nice when they are all cute looking at the foot of the bed.  I pulled the covers up to my chin and finally curled up to fall asleep.  The blanket was tucked under the cats so I had to distract them in doing this. Oh well, I was tired from a long day and just wanted to buckle down and fall asleep.
It was going to be another one of those nights where you lie there and lie there and for the life of you cannot fall asleep.  I had thoughts running ramped all through my mind.  I think I was just over tired.  You think being over tired you would just fall asleep before hitting the pillow but you don’t.  I was perfectly comfy in the bed at this point and couldn’t wait for dreams to start flowing.  I wish at this point counting sheep would really work but that would keep me up longer.  As I chuckled again I thought maybe I should grab my wife’s book and read it.  It seemed to work for her but I knew that wasn’t an option at this point.  I grabbed my mask for my sleep apnea machine, strapped it to my head, and clicked the on button.  I knew I was forgetting something….and…..off….to….sleep….I…went.

Who I first remembered re-write

In a world, with a population in the billions, one person made such an impression on me that to this day I remember them first in my life.  Most people would say their mother or father but I would disagree with that.  As a child you love anything fun or anything that has to do with playing so it only makes sense that you would remember your first friend or in my case a brother, Matt.
My brother is only a year older then me so we were very close in age.  Being in the same residents and same age it was on.  With Matt and I being very similar in age we had so much things in common.  We had the same likes and dislikes, as well as friends and television shows.  As any kid knows cartoons are great.  We had a lot of the action figures from these shows so we would pretend a lot.   This pulled us closer as we sat together cheering on our favorite action figure to beat up the villain.
All our friends were right out our front door.  We lived in a trailer park were many kids lived and we happen to all be the same age.  This was great for us to bond even more.  We all played together including my brother. We played inside and outside together.  We were almost inseparable and we really never separated until school started.
As a child the first one to make a impression on you is going to be the first one you remember.  When someone or something makes a huge impact in your mind you are more apt to have remembrance of that someone or something.  This is why I believe my brother is the first person I remember.   We were always together and played all the time together.  We were never apart.  My mom would be busy cleaning or working and she wasn’t going to come outside and play with us and our friends.
In my son I notice this with him as well.  Anyone that plays a huge part in having fun with him, he remembers.  He remembers everything my parents do with him but nothing I every with him.  It drives me nuts. I know how he feels though with the fact all he wants in life is to have fun and anything to do with fun.  I do a lot of things with him and I notice he is very clingy to me.  When my wife use to be home he was very clingy with her.
My brother made the type of impact to me in order for my remembering him first in my life.  It was kind of interesting to think back thirty years and try to remember such a factor in your life.  When I really thought about it though my brother came to mind.  The thing that made it interesting is why I remembered him and it all has to do with what kids want.  They want to play and that’s what we did.

A classmate I know talking smack about me?!

I have only good things to say about that Michael.  A guy with a nickname like pickle can’t not be a hell of a guy.  How do you end up with a nickname like that.  You could perceive it in many different ways.  I know what we all think when we think of a nickname like pickle.  Any how Mike has been a great influence through out life to countless people.  He seems to be so self less and puts others first.  I think a lot of times that can hurt him due to people that abuse friendship as he gives.
A great reason I look up to Mike is the fact even though he is thirty he hasn’t lost his child like attitude in life.  I’m not saying he is immature or not responsible.  That is the best part about him.  He is very responsible.   Everyone needs to keep a little bit of a kid in them.  With out having some what of a child like feature you grow into a stick in the mud.  No one likes people like that.  Maybe except other sticks in the mud I suppose.  I remember recently me and him going for a walk.  Upon our walk as we were inching our way around a big mud hole, I fell upon it.  Well, I didn’t fall until I was tackled down.  W begun to attack each other violently with mud balls.  It’s the simple things in life that give great joy and he knows how to bring them to people lives.
People say there aren’t many caring people left but the care that surrounds the people around him is thick as a dairy queen blizzard. Through my whole life Mike, just being a friend, has looked out for me through out school.  I myself have always been picked on and have been an outcast in class but he treats me the same as the next person.  He isn’t afraid or doesn’t  act to cool to talk to me or isn’t worried about getting caught hanging out with me.  That feeling is a horrible feeling, being an outcast in school.  School can be a brutal time in a child’s life and he made that experience not as bad as it could have been.  He actually picked me first once upon a time in sixth grade.  Certain people were always picked before others.  The coolest kid or the one who is the best at the game so that team could win.  The game was dodge ball.  I will never forget the feeling.  Mike made me so embarrassed but this made me warm inside.  I knew I couldn’t let him down.  When he did this, he gave me the confidence that I have never felt, he believed in me.
I know people are very crunched for time in life especially Mike.  He juggles school, work, family life and other task upon that.  I suppose it isn’t much different from a lot of households but most people don’t or can’t make time to help someone out.  Mike makes sure he can do what he can when he can.  I think he gets a great feeling of joy from this.  He told me once you get what you put in as well as life is easy and living is hard.  I thought about these two meanings and they both make total sense.  He likes the feeling he gets to know he did a good thing for someone.  He doesn’t ask for anything in return and most people never return favors to him.  Maybe it is the fact he is to proud to ask for help.  I know when he needs help and I don’t ask him.  I just step in because I know at some point in time I may need help and he will be there.  His word is bond.
Mike has always persevered in life though the many ups and downs.  It takes such a strong individual to endure what he has and still goes around with a smile on his face.  That reminds me of another thing he told me once when I was upset and he was helping me yet again.  Life is to short to be mad or upset.  Even if he just heard the worst news I think even if he was sad he wouldn’t show it.  That can be a bad thing holding things in.  Maybe he cries when no one is around.  I hope so because people deserve to vent and everyone has to at some point in time.  If he were here at this moment I would tell him thanks and if he needs something ever to ask.

Narrative of a Person

We all occasional observe someone from a distance.  We sit back and try and figure them out by their actions.  People, whether they know it or not, judge people before they even talk to them.  If you saw someone that was dressed like a goth, all black clothing, black lipstick etc.. they may be the nicest person but more than likely you would think to yourself, “What a freak, he/she must be a weirdo loser.”  I am guilty as charged.  I know I’ve done this many times.  The simple fact is you do not know someone until you talk to them.
As I sit back and watch this person, who just happens to be my wife, I block my mind of how she really is and wonder what I would think about her just watching her as I have others.  As I sit back and just watch her making herself dinner my mind consumes itself with many thoughts of feelings towards her.  I know my feeling should be love but I wanted to get a mental picture of the typical human judging a human before they know them side of things.
She graceful struts around the kitchen as it’s a normal familiar thing.  This shows that she likes to do things for herself.  Having a familiarity with cooking show independence.  Most people on their own doesn’t make a nice little chicken dinner for themselves as she does.  I’ve been in dorms before and ramen noodles line the cupboards.  One of the first things I like to look at is hair.  Hair to me can give a good description about the person.  It shows if they care about themselves and shows how they want to be portrayed.  It can show if you care about what people think about you.  As she paces around the kitchen in a non bumbling way, her hair told a story to me about her feeling toward the world.  With three feet of hair and being so blonde it looked white, there was not one hair out of place.  It was like a can of Pringles, not one of them can be out of place.  They all seemed to stack amongst themselves in a fashionable manner.  This gives two thoughts in my mind, either she is self conscious or she is a very neat and clean person.   There is one way to settle that question and it is looking at her fingernails.  Her fingers were proportionately long but you could tell they were real.  They were witch nail length.  These were more like little stubs.  The chipping and fading of the nail polish told me she was a hard worker but also was not some superficial bimbo.  Yeah, she cared about how she looked but she also could get down and dirty if she needed.  She was clean and tidy but also wanted to be viewed as self motivated and self sufficient.  No one likes those girls or boys in their twenties that drive a expensive car and are all decked out to the hilt in new clothes and other fashions.  We all know they don’t work for that, their parents do and yet they try to claim as if they were successful.  We can all tell the difference of who works for their own things and who doesn’t.
 In their eyes you can get that sense of dignity and also how they carry themselves.  As she graciously flipped her chicken you could see it in her eye that she was a little more serious and self motivated then some mammas girl/boy.  Her slim knobby knuckles had a grip on the spatula as if it wasn’t her first time.  I knew the way she composed herself she was all for being spoiled but not being over indulged.  She had this sense of cleanliness as she constantly rinsed her hands off but also her jeans, which she moments ago returned from work in, had a sense of weather look to them.  No, these work some pre worn looking pants bought like this with numerous holes and washes.  This was general wear and tear done on these.  This isn’t my first rodeo and I can’t be fooled by this.  She wore then snuggly but not see you could see every crease in her ass or panty lines and such.  They had enough room to be comfortable and professional.  This gave me a sense of take charge women.
It is nice to pamper a girl but not having to consistently take care of her.  I myself like to be cared for.  As my eyes made their wondering down her long slender but defined leg I came upon her bare feet which pressed upon the tile.  Her feet were long and slender and seemed very pleasant.  I am no foot fetish man but her silky look foot almost gave me a sense of a fetish for them. Her toe nails just like her hand nails were chipped and worn but she is also a working woman.  Her heels I could see had slight calluses I could see as she at this point was almost sprinting around the kitchen.  The food was almost all down and everything always seems to finish together.  Our house is all tile and hard wood which could be her problem but if I didn’t know that I would think what a women.  She cares so much about her appearance, clothes, hair etc.. but also has those minor flaws which show a realistic lady.  It would also show me what a go getter she is. Again this all shows dignity as she is self sufficient.
It is a little comical how you can just look at someone and break them down.  Your opinion by just glancing at someone can be just as superficial as them but as the saying goes don’t judge a book by its cover. We all do whether we think we don’t or not.  We do it.  This is a defense by our mind and body to protect us from certain things I suppose.  I know if I saw some guy looking like a crack head, I’d stay away.  If the same person was in a suit, I’d be more apt to speak to him.  Is that selfish on my part or is that me protecting myself from harm or danger?  You really shouldn’t judge by looks it is very cruel and it could cost you the best friendship or lover in the world.  You can get a sense of how someone wants to be portrayed but it doesn’t show you who they really are inside.  Different circumstances can have people looking certain ways.  Someone poor for instance can look and smell dirty but they may have the biggest heart ever.  While someone else who is rich is all dressed to the hilt could be a total asshole.  I guess you never know someone unless you give them that chance we all deserve, common courteous.

Looking at a picture

To answer a question of what do I see of a photo of a person I had to drag myself off the couch and go to the picture draw.  This draw is a great mess with photos and film piled one on another.  Someday I may straighten out this draw of memories before I ruin them all except the mental memories I have of them.  Pictures play a important rule through out time and in peoples life.  Pictures tell stories that mentally we cannot remember all the details.  Details in a picture can far out weigh mental memories of the person, place, or thing that the picture contains.
As I rummage through the draw of unorganized pictures one of them catches my eyes the most.  The picture that I see is one mentally I will always remember but brings back images in my mind that I wish were always upon it.  The picture is my son as a baby.  He is now four and he is so big.  It seems like ages ago he was wearing diapers and just laying there looking around with his big blue eyes.  He has this look in this picture as if he is a bad ass.  It really funny, as this picture gives me flashbacks of when right from birth the eyes.  His eyes even in this picture are squinted slightly, are dark blue, and gives you this glare from the corner of his eyes.  It almost gives you a creepy stare down feeling.  The godfather gives this look in his shows right before he whacks someone.  On my son though, it was very cute. His lips puckered up as if he is being extremely serious.  What could he be serious about?  Maybe the fact he just left his warm home in his moms belly?   I got it, he is here and he means business.  He is the boss from now on.  How true to that.  He runs the show and he has the look to prove it.
A big part this memory of viewing a baby picture of him creates a sadness that is very heart unfriendly.  It creates this void in my heart that makes me want to have another.  The thing is would it be a child that was as cute as him or funny?  He is the most little perfect child ever.  We all say that our child is the cutest but for real.  The cuteness of being a miniature person is incredible.  That little body you can palm like a basketball.  A entire human fitting into a palm of a mans hand.  That image replays in my mind.  Cuddling him as a baby.  Him lying on my chest or snuggled against my face.  His soft skin with the scent of a baby.  I can smell that cleanliness in the air at this moment thinking of his young little fumigating that beautiful refreshing scent into the air.  It doesn’t get any better than that until he over comes his first feat as a child.
His little outfit I can remember holding up.  So small and delicate looking.  The light blue colors and little animals that are sewed upon it.  The shoes in the picture are only finger long with a little monkey on the side.  A memory of a time of peacefulness.  After seeing this picture I looked further into this draw.  It is incredible to look at all the picture.  The next one in here was of him sleeping.  Cuddled up into the nook of the couch.  A child is just incredible.  Yes they are hard work but at the end of it, it is more than worth it for these kinds of memories.  What else can you have in this world that gives you a love and happiness so great that when you peer into the past it can bring back emotions so strong.  I may keep this picture out for awhile.  Memories are great and make you feel so wonderful that you got to have this such memories in life.